I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a post from Crochet Consupscience. We had lost another life to depression. “That could have been me”, I thought. “That might one day be me.”
I didn’t know anything about Marinke’s Blog “A Creative Being” so I visited and learned. She had touched so many lives. I could tell by the account of the holes left in so many hearts in the crafter world. I stared at her picture and saw pretty smiling face. I read her last post before her passing and my heart felt compressed. She understood what she was going through and was getting help. But even then this disease crept in and stole her away.
I can easily recall the pain; the many times my pain went unspoken; the times I lied about how I was doing when someone asked “How are you doing today?”. There are only so many conversations I can have about my illness. Well, at least that’s what I tell myself. So, I try not to talk too much about it. I take my meds as prescribed. I see my therapist on a regular schedule. I try to go outside (but I’m most comfortable at home) just like they say I should. But sometimes, none of that can help. You can be as aware of yourself as anyone can possible maintain and still fall victim.
I remember the occasional times that I think that not being here would be better for me and everyone else. I often feel like a burden to my kids and family. But I’m lucky blessed to have been able to jump back from the edge of dispair. I know how devastated my children would be if I left them so early in their lives. Honestly, the welfare of my children and their mental health is what echos in my mind when I’m on the edge. Those 2 are the reason I keep pressing forward.
The #MandalasforMarinke project is one I jumped at the opportunity to participate. I had never made a mandala before and I welcomed the novelty. I chose the one I wanted to create and saw that it had a stitch that was unfamiliar to me. I printed the Crochet Spoke pattern by Wink. I started, then I stopped. I started again, and stopped again. I then decided to start with a mandala just for me. The finished Marinke mandala would be donated to Kathryn Vericillo’s project to raise depression awareness.
I grabbed some colorful cotton yarn, my hook, the pattern from Attic 24 and got started. I didn’t realize I was on a journey. The meditative state while making this piece was amazing. It was soothing. The process just flowed. I chose the colors that made me happy and that blended. The result was beautiful. I finally went back to my project mandala for Wink. I must have frogged that wheel about 5 times before gaining control. When it finally came time to add that unfamilar stitch, an extended double crochet, I had to pause. I had to try it about 3 times to get it going. It was such a challenge but I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to contribute especially after seeing so many of the mandalas already submitted. So I kept going but as my own pace. I would do many 3-4 stitches in one sitting and then put the project down. But when I was finished, I was so proud. It didn’t come out perfect like all of the other submissions but I thought to myself “Hey, neither am I.”